А это из новенького
May. 2nd, 2005 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ingwallTHE SMUGGLERS
by Edward Bagritzky
Abridged translation by Vadim Ingwall Baranovsky
Past fish and bright stars, in an ominous vessel
Greek smugglers are bringing their goods to Odessa.
They cling to the sideboard with great perseverance:
Yanaki, Stavraki and Papasotiris.
The wind is a-shouting, their mast is a-strumming,
The waves hit the vessel with sonorous drumming,
And flying white foam is so chillingly drenching!
Glorious venture! Most excellent venture!
O boat and sail! O the far Black Sea shore!
Thieves! Thieves galore!
11 PM is an hour of caution
For three Coast Guard's men on the turbulent ocean;
Half-dozen eyes that can see in the dark:
Half-dozen eyes and a small motor barque!
Hurry, Three Guardsmen, and start up the motor,
Throwing your boat to the infidel water!
The voice of the sea will be loud and wrenching:
Glorious venture! Most excellent venture!
O, starry midnight! The far Black Sea shore!
Thieves! Thieves galore!
O, how much I want to, with grace and panache
Hold on to the sideboard and twirl my mustache;
To sail past the stars with nefarious cargo,
Abusing my throat with rough criminal jargon,
And hear through the yells of the cold, bitter wind,
The motor-hum dirge of the Guard closing in...
Or else, better yet, with a gun in my fist
To follow some thief through the billowing mist,
To climb in his boat, and to find what I seek,
And come face-to-face with a murderous Greek!
So pound, my heart, on the ribs of your cage,
Let out my youth, and my joy, and my rage!
Let human blood fall like a meteor shower,
Let me strike the world as a spark strikes the powder!
The wild, reckless sea waves are singing along
As I twist my mouth with a villainous song
Of the Black Sea, the scary, the vast, the perplexing:
Glorious Black Sea! Magnificent Black Sea!
..Magnificent Black Sea!..
by Edward Bagritzky
Abridged translation by Vadim Ingwall Baranovsky
Past fish and bright stars, in an ominous vessel
Greek smugglers are bringing their goods to Odessa.
They cling to the sideboard with great perseverance:
Yanaki, Stavraki and Papasotiris.
The wind is a-shouting, their mast is a-strumming,
The waves hit the vessel with sonorous drumming,
And flying white foam is so chillingly drenching!
Glorious venture! Most excellent venture!
O boat and sail! O the far Black Sea shore!
Thieves! Thieves galore!
11 PM is an hour of caution
For three Coast Guard's men on the turbulent ocean;
Half-dozen eyes that can see in the dark:
Half-dozen eyes and a small motor barque!
Hurry, Three Guardsmen, and start up the motor,
Throwing your boat to the infidel water!
The voice of the sea will be loud and wrenching:
Glorious venture! Most excellent venture!
O, starry midnight! The far Black Sea shore!
Thieves! Thieves galore!
O, how much I want to, with grace and panache
Hold on to the sideboard and twirl my mustache;
To sail past the stars with nefarious cargo,
Abusing my throat with rough criminal jargon,
And hear through the yells of the cold, bitter wind,
The motor-hum dirge of the Guard closing in...
Or else, better yet, with a gun in my fist
To follow some thief through the billowing mist,
To climb in his boat, and to find what I seek,
And come face-to-face with a murderous Greek!
So pound, my heart, on the ribs of your cage,
Let out my youth, and my joy, and my rage!
Let human blood fall like a meteor shower,
Let me strike the world as a spark strikes the powder!
The wild, reckless sea waves are singing along
As I twist my mouth with a villainous song
Of the Black Sea, the scary, the vast, the perplexing:
Glorious Black Sea! Magnificent Black Sea!
..Magnificent Black Sea!..
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 06:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:27 pm (UTC)Two nasty nitpicky remarks:
1) In the penultimate line - better "Of the Black Sea, the scary, the vast, the perplexing": doesn't spoil the meter, better grammar.
2) The third Greek's name should be spelled Papasotiris. It's an actual last name, derived indeed from "papa(s) Sotiris" - "a priest (whose first name is) Sotiris"; the latter name, in turn, means "Savior", and is identical to the Classical Greek name Soter (as in "Ptolemy Soter"). This "Soter" iz the final Σ in "Ichthyos", the real reason why early Christians used a fish as a symbol/mascot.
Again: a great, fabulous translation!
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:27 pm (UTC)Именно поэтому есть придирки:
Glorious venture! Spectacular venture! - это что-то из области Фродо, hardly Черное Море, Хорошее море.
Ты переводишь "голос ломать черноморским жаргоном" как Abusing my throat with some criminal jargon - теряется весь эффект присутствия. такое ощущение, что автору все равно, в общем, жаргон ли это контрабандистов, феня или арго.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:29 pm (UTC)They cling to the sideboard with great perseverance:
Yanaki, Stavraki and Papa Satyros.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:56 pm (UTC)Про жаргон надо подумать. Я вообще-то имел в виду "некоторое количество жаргона".
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 08:18 pm (UTC)Coarse - да, так лучше.
"Abusing my throat with coarse criminal jargon"
У него "Голос ломать"
Ты специально меняешь?
Как "Harrassing my voice with the smugglers' coarse jargon"
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 08:21 pm (UTC)Очень трудная строка, не факт, что можно сказать лучше, но звучит как (помнишь, ты мне рассказывал?) рифма "пан-глянь"
ВОобще, блестящий перевод, ведь очень трудная.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 04:29 am (UTC)Багрицкий не пафосен. Так как раз довольно сдержанно: "Черное море, хорошее море", не более того.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 04:31 am (UTC)Excellent - более равнодушный синоним, оставь так. ТОде нормально
no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 05:20 am (UTC)А действительно -
Date: 2005-05-03 07:49 am (UTC)И не очень мне как-то это spectacular. Magnificent?
А в остальном - высокий класс! Glorious poem, magnificent poem!
С уважением,
Антрекот
Re: А действительно -
Date: 2005-05-03 10:36 am (UTC)Меня просто попросили перевести песню Берковского, вот я и перевёл. :)
Spectacular - наверное не совсем хорошо по этимологии. Там всё-таки визуальных эффектов не очень. Glorious оставлю, а spectacular уберу.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 10:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-03 10:42 am (UTC)